Ginger Pop: Why Can’t We Be Friends?

In honor of the return of True Blood . . .

My work day consists of a 120 mile round trip commute. Since I live in West Texas, that commute is back dropped with mesquite and dirt. The result is that I have time to think for roughly 90 minutes a day. Sometimes my thoughts are deep and meaningful . . . and sometimes they are things like which popular fictional characters would I not want to be friends with. The following is a list of characters who are considered good guys whom I could not or would not befriend.

Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood and the Charlaine Harris novels)–There are two reasons I could not be buddies with the sassy Miss Stackhouse. First, most of her friends are people she works with. The problem is she misses a ton of work due to supernatural shenanigans and Sam lets her get away with it. As a co-worker/friend, that would tick me off. And more importantly, she famously loves tanning. With her telepathic abilities, she’d be able to hear my scathing thoughts on skin cancer and melanoma. I don’t think we’d be able to get past that.

What do you mean I’m going to look like a handbag?

 

Claire Dunphy (ModernFamily)–I could handle Gloria and I would have a blast with Cam and Mitchell. However, Claire seems like the mom at my kids’ school who judges me because I make hippie cuisine and my daughter dresses like Cyndi Lauper. No thanks.

 

“Why is your daughter wearing six tulle skirts?”

Eddard “Ned” Stark (Game of Thrones, novel and series)–So the good news is that if you are ever in a fight, Ned’s your guy. He’s there to kick ass and let you take the glory. The bad news is that he values honor over logic–Littlefinger told you like ten times not to trust him, dude–and he’ll warn your spouse that he’s going to tell you that there is something seriously messed up about your kids before telling you. What’s more, he’s like the medieval Debbie Downer. You: “Wanna get some coffee?” Him: “Winter is coming.”

 

 

“The 2:30 showing of Avengers is sold out? It matters not. Winter is coming.”

Mario (Super Mario Brothers, etc.)–You know that friend you have who is the best at everything? And no matter what you do, you are never quite as good? Now make that friend a tool about it and you have Mario. You know Luigi hates him, too.

“It’s-a me! I-a better than you!”

Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)–No, it’s not Carrie’s neurosis, bad men choices, or insistence on wearing a nasty fur coat that would keep me from brunching with her on a regular basis. I could handle that. What I couldn’t handle was having to pick up the newspaper every week and read her column. I think I’d make it four weeks before I rolled my eyes every time I read, “I couldn’t help but wonder.” Then I would feel obligated to talk to her about it and my face would give away that I think she’s a lame writer. After that, it’s only a matter of time before one of us would ‘lose’ the other one’s phone number.

“I couldn’t help but wonder why I’m wearing dead rats to a baseball game.”

Alex Cross (James Patterson Series)–If you are a woman in the life of Alex Cross, one of three things will happen to you: rape, kidnap, death. Possibly all three. Cross may try to find you, but it will be too late. No Porsche ride is worth that.

“You were held in a basement in Brazil for six months? Sorry, the Porsche was in the shop.”

Bruce Wayne (Batman, etc.)–Never mind the double life or the ridiculous wealth. No matter what happens in your life, Bruce is going to tragedy trump it: “Oh your grandmother died? That must be almost as horrible as watching both of your parents gunned down in front of you as a child.”

“Did I ever tell you about that time in an alleyway with my parents?”

 

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